Saturday, July 24, 2010

Richard "Dick" Dandelion - OUT

Mr. Dick,

Let's have a discussion about this:
Esteemed Directours,

The present is to solicit inscription in the august scheme you are about to launch upon the world.

I have no qualifications; rather I am spectacularly and even dazzlingly unpossessed of any quality that might recommend me to your society.

I have never read any of Mr. Waugh's work. I did once, however, at a used book sale to benefit the local chapter of the AAUW, discover a somewhat tattered copy of The Loved One. The author's name stirred some vague souvenir and so (and because it was cheap) I obtained its purchase.

I will read it someday.

Yours, ever,
Richard "Dick" Dandelion

There are two glaring issues with your application. The first is obvious. Please, please, please put down whatever rubbish you are currently reading and educate yourself with that dear precious book you procured at a discount price. The Loved One is no small prize you hold, and should be treated accordingly.

The second: it is evident from your application that you have self-worth issues. And it is of utmost importance that all of our members be able to hold their heads high in whatever company they may find themselves--from a ghetto in South Africa, no doubt doing charity work, to the highest courts of English Parliament. Now, let me point out some of your more refined features.

You have a keen sense of observation and a grand stylized diction that would be appropriate in the Queen's palace itself. Take note of your first two sentences:
Esteemed Directours

A less observant fellow might be so dense as to overlook the Esteemed nature of the enterprise we find ourselves currently engaged in. But you, you're astute and can sense the uncanny importance of what we do here (even if I haven't been explicit about how important it is).
The present is to solicit inscription in the august scheme you are about to launch upon the world.

Again, clearly you are in-tune with the very important nature of our business and just look at these words: solicit, inscription, august. We could build a land bridge from Europe to Britain with such words! But you're right, who would ever want to do such a thing, our streets would soon be filled with Parisians and croissants. Let's forget that I mentioned it.

I'm not against reapplications but there is, of course, a mandatory one year cooling period that must be strictly enforced (otherwise do you know how many times Stephen Hawking would have applied by now? No I suppose you wouldn't know, but trust me, it would have been an unseemly number for such an accomplished fellow). Therefore, in the next year I propose you reserve a day or two each week to focus on reading books of high quality (I don't think I need to tell you which books those are) and perhaps you should take one of those online self help classes to improve your self esteem. Also sending flowers, chocolates, books and even money if you're not feeling inventive (which is a dirty American quality anyway) may very well improve the odds of your next application.

In summation: we hereby formally decline your application into this, The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club in Britain and beyond.

Good Day.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Inspiration 1

Of course this isn't a club where we just talk about who is in and who is out of the club; we also plan on being inspirational and informative.

In that vein...

If you're sitting around at work dealing with some asinine problem--perhaps you're an architect bogged down with the math of whether or not a bridge can support the predicted traffic, or a nurse burnt out on taking blood pressure readings, whatever the case may be--take a little pause and reflect upon all the good things that Evelyn Waugh has done for us, and maybe ask, "what would Evelyn Waugh do in such stark times?"

Just think about that, and enjoy this inspirational picture.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Introducing: The President

From Courtney:
As a member (title to be discussed), I vote for:

The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club in Britain and beyond.

Or the Keeper of the flame one.

As the first member to sign up I here by declare you The President of the most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club in Britain and beyond. Please be sure to update your resume appropriately. Also, as I see the other member has (finally) signed up--I sometimes wonder about his dedication--we may have to re-decide who is President.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hearts! Kelly - OUT

In fairness I shall be very explicit about why anyone is accepted or denied membership into this, the most serious and prestigious Club. To wit:

Hi, so Mr. Dick there I don't know what he's talking about but I know who Evelyn Waugh is because that's the name I totally check in under when I have to crib up at hotels which is like all the time. Also I don't want to talk about myself too much I mean actually I'm way shy. You should see me at press junkets -- I so hate talking about myself! LOL But what was I saying? Oh yes the point is I know who is this Evelyn Waugh lady and I think that plus me being famous should be enough to get me into your club.


Dear Hearts! Kelly,

There are a couple problems with your application. First: being famous is not sufficient (nor necessary, mind you) to garner membership into such a prestigious club. For instance, although both Kim Jong-il and Mel Gibson are quite famous in their own rights, we most certainly would NOT let either scoundrel in and taint the very name of the most honorable and (dare I say) clever Evelyn Waugh. Second: let's be honest, your celebrity-ship is pretty minor. If I were to make a list I wouldn't be surprised to find your name between Farmer Fitzgibbons, of Secret of NIMH fame, and one of the bulls in The Matador, a movie, by and by, that would have been a total disaster without the talent and good sense of Mr. Pierce Brosnan behind it. Thirdly: I worry that, perhaps, English is not your first language--that just won't due. Fourthly, although it is true that the pen of Eveyln Waugh has often articulated precisely, accurately, and extraordinarily the attitudes, hearts, body language, intentions, understandings, and desires of the fairer sex, he is in fact a man, nay, a gentleman!

As such, your applications has been formally denied.

Good day.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Open Enrollment

It appears I have gotten a little ahead of myself: it has been brought to my attention that before the voting on the description can take place we need some more members.

Therefore we have decided to accept applications for membership starting immediately. And although we are a new club we are also very particular about who can and who cannot join, since it would be unseemly to have the place overrun with riffraff from the get-go, so let's all be sports about it and not make a fuss if you don't get in. To apply please leave a comment that expresses your love and devotion for Mr. Evelyn Waugh, list any awards you have received (please do not invent awards to impress the EVOs (Evelyn Waugh Officers)), and any other information you think might be relevant to your participation here; please note that I can’t promise to read more than a couple sentences if the thing even hints at turning into a personal production of drivel.

For the sake of transparency and respectability I will keep an up-to-date list of who is in and who is out, which you can find on the right hand side of this very website. If you have submitted an application but do not see your name on either list then you are still under consideration. However, if you find it necessary to send an email in the meantime insinuating that perhaps your application has been lost, then you will be moved immediately to the “out” list.

Good Day.

The Description

Now, the first order of business is to come to some agreement about the most appropriate description for this website. Some options to be voted upon by the distinguished members:

  • The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club on the Internet.

  • The most seriously prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club on the Internet.

  • The most prestigiously serious Evelyn Waugh Club on the Internet.

  • The most prestigious serious Evelyn Waugh Club on the Internet.

  • The mostly serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club.

  • The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club on the World Wide Web.

  • The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club in the world.

  • The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club in Britain and beyond.

  • The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Fan Club on the Internet.

  • The Keepers of the Evelyn Waugh Flame.

Of course, as merely the minutes keeper, I don't have a stake in the selection, so you don't need to worry about the fairness of the voting process--it is in fully capable and unbiased hands. But a couple things to keep in mind when placing your vote. The word "The" at the beginning of each description should (I don't know if I can stress this enough) SHOULD be pronounced th ee, not the more vulgar th uh--we are not barbarians here after all. Also, other options not listed above can be suggested, although they will be greatly frowned upon (and perhaps scoffed at for good measure).