Saturday, July 24, 2010

Richard "Dick" Dandelion - OUT

Mr. Dick,

Let's have a discussion about this:
Esteemed Directours,

The present is to solicit inscription in the august scheme you are about to launch upon the world.

I have no qualifications; rather I am spectacularly and even dazzlingly unpossessed of any quality that might recommend me to your society.

I have never read any of Mr. Waugh's work. I did once, however, at a used book sale to benefit the local chapter of the AAUW, discover a somewhat tattered copy of The Loved One. The author's name stirred some vague souvenir and so (and because it was cheap) I obtained its purchase.

I will read it someday.

Yours, ever,
Richard "Dick" Dandelion

There are two glaring issues with your application. The first is obvious. Please, please, please put down whatever rubbish you are currently reading and educate yourself with that dear precious book you procured at a discount price. The Loved One is no small prize you hold, and should be treated accordingly.

The second: it is evident from your application that you have self-worth issues. And it is of utmost importance that all of our members be able to hold their heads high in whatever company they may find themselves--from a ghetto in South Africa, no doubt doing charity work, to the highest courts of English Parliament. Now, let me point out some of your more refined features.

You have a keen sense of observation and a grand stylized diction that would be appropriate in the Queen's palace itself. Take note of your first two sentences:
Esteemed Directours

A less observant fellow might be so dense as to overlook the Esteemed nature of the enterprise we find ourselves currently engaged in. But you, you're astute and can sense the uncanny importance of what we do here (even if I haven't been explicit about how important it is).
The present is to solicit inscription in the august scheme you are about to launch upon the world.

Again, clearly you are in-tune with the very important nature of our business and just look at these words: solicit, inscription, august. We could build a land bridge from Europe to Britain with such words! But you're right, who would ever want to do such a thing, our streets would soon be filled with Parisians and croissants. Let's forget that I mentioned it.

I'm not against reapplications but there is, of course, a mandatory one year cooling period that must be strictly enforced (otherwise do you know how many times Stephen Hawking would have applied by now? No I suppose you wouldn't know, but trust me, it would have been an unseemly number for such an accomplished fellow). Therefore, in the next year I propose you reserve a day or two each week to focus on reading books of high quality (I don't think I need to tell you which books those are) and perhaps you should take one of those online self help classes to improve your self esteem. Also sending flowers, chocolates, books and even money if you're not feeling inventive (which is a dirty American quality anyway) may very well improve the odds of your next application.

In summation: we hereby formally decline your application into this, The most serious and prestigious Evelyn Waugh Club in Britain and beyond.

Good Day.

1 comment:

  1. '...--take a little pause and reflect upon all the good things that Evelyn Waugh has done for us, and maybe ask, "what would Evelyn Waugh do in such stark times?"'

    He has not done any "good things" for us. He wrote a bit but that is all. Do not get too carried away with yourselves.

    In these times, Waugh would have written food porn.