Hearts! Kelly - OUT

In fairness I shall be very explicit about why anyone is accepted or denied membership into this, the most serious and prestigious Club. To wit:

Hi, so Mr. Dick there I don't know what he's talking about but I know who Evelyn Waugh is because that's the name I totally check in under when I have to crib up at hotels which is like all the time. Also I don't want to talk about myself too much I mean actually I'm way shy. You should see me at press junkets -- I so hate talking about myself! LOL But what was I saying? Oh yes the point is I know who is this Evelyn Waugh lady and I think that plus me being famous should be enough to get me into your club.

Hearts!
Kelly

Dear Hearts! Kelly,

There are a couple problems with your application. First: being famous is not sufficient (nor necessary, mind you) to garner membership into such a prestigious club. For instance, although both Kim Jong-il and Mel Gibson are quite famous in their own rights, we most certainly would NOT let either scoundrel in and taint the very name of the most honorable and (dare I say) clever Evelyn Waugh. Second: let's be honest, your celebrity-ship is pretty minor. If I were to make a list I wouldn't be surprised to find your name between Farmer Fitzgibbons, of Secret of NIMH fame, and one of the bulls in The Matador, a movie, by and by, that would have been a total disaster without the talent and good sense of Mr. Pierce Brosnan behind it. Thirdly: I worry that, perhaps, English is not your first language--that just won't due. Fourthly, although it is true that the pen of Eveyln Waugh has often articulated precisely, accurately, and extraordinarily the attitudes, hearts, body language, intentions, understandings, and desires of the fairer sex, he is in fact a man, nay, a gentleman!

As such, your applications has been formally denied.

Good day.